Allez Cuisine!
by Charmaine Champagne
Summary: Kaiba finds himself alone in his kitchen, caught in a meaty mess of his own making. Fortunately, he gets a little help from a very unexpected source... One-shot.


Allez Cuisine!  
Charmaine Champagne

&&&

"To think that Seto Kaiba could be reduced to this…"

Kaiba held a knife to the flank of steak. Grimacing, he gripped one end with his thumb and index finger and gently traced a line around the meat's side. Despite the knife's soft pressure, an ominous red liquid spurted out from the small cut at random intervals.

Kaiba paled. He felt his stomach start to churn. "Oh God," he mumbled, slamming the knife on the cutting board while struggling to keep his slight hold on the meat. His feet swayed underneath him. "Stay standing, stay standing, think happy thoughts, think about money, think about Mokuba, think about kittens."

Every time he opened his eyes, he was confronted by the chunk of raw cow flesh and forced to grit his teeth. Just when pictures of fluffy-haired Mokubas and silky-pawed kitties couldn't stay his gag reflux anymore, he was distracted by a taunting female voice at the kitchen's door.

"For the love of God, Kaiba, it's a piece of steak, not a dead mouse."

His fingers took this chance to drop the meat entirely. Kaiba, though deep in his heart grateful to be diverted from that hateful cutting board, glared at the intruder as only Kaiba could.

"I don't recall inviting any spectators into my kitchen, Blondie. What does this look like to you, Iron Chef?"

"If it is, you're getting your ass beat, hon. Those boys can skin and cook an adolescent alligator in the time you're taking to prep that steak."

Kaiba grimaced. He'd been cutting people to ribbons with his sharp tongue for years, but in this woman he'd finally found his match.

Mai smirked, enjoying the CEO's rare speechlessness. "So, Iron Chef Seto Kaiba, what are you trying to do, exactly? Pinch that poor flank into submission?"

"If you don't mind, Chairman Mai, I'd like to know what you think you're doing in my house," Kaiba spat.

"Looking for a yellow pepper to bite dramatically," Mai said coolly, walking over to Kaiba's grand refrigerator. She swung open the French doors and poked her head inside. "Ooooooh!" she cooed, her mouth forming a perfect red O. The fridge seemingly went on for miles.

"Good Lord, you've got a lot of prune juice in here, Kaiba! Are you 19 or 90?" Her eyes darted across shelves. "Are those truffles back there? Now that's something I can get my teeth into! And such pretty French wrapping--"

Kaiba coughed as he swung one of the fridge doors shut. "You'll find those a tad more expensive than a bell pepper, Blondie."

Mai laughed, closing the other door. "Alright, buddy, don't have a stroke, I'll leave your precious candy alone."

He rolled his eyes. "Don't call me that."

"Would you rather I call you sweetie?" Mai tossed her hair and walked over to the deserted food on the counter.

"I'd _rather _you get out of this house and go buy your produce at a grocery store like a rational person. I could have you arrested for trespassing with a phonecall, you know," Kaiba said sternly.

"That's some thanks for driving across town to pick up your little brother. Besides, if you arrest me you can be sure word of your great steak battles will leak to the outside world." Kaiba flinched. He had forgotten about that godforsaken steak.

Mai looked up at him curiously. "Is this for Yugi's barbeque tonight?"

Kaiba glared as a reflex, shuffling his feet uncomfortably. "Yes. I'm against your dweeby little friends' gatherings as a rule, but Mokuba threatened to run off to the Mutt's house if I didn't let him go."

"You can hardly blame him. Say what you will, Joey grills some mean meat--" Mai paused as Kaiba suddenly slammed his fist onto a marble countertop. "Oh, is that it?"

"That stupid dog, he--"

"Watch it, Kaiba." Mai's voice was low and threatening.

His eyes rolled again. "_Joseph_ _Wheeler_," he scoffed, "was carrying on at some length to the dork squad about how excited he was to get home and prepare the burgers for this barbeque. And those losers were just eating it up, squealing about how good his burgers were and how they just couldn't wait for tonight." He affected a sarcastically excited tone, punctuating his remarks with a harrumph.

"So…this struck a chord?" Mai raised a perfectly manicured eyebrow.

"I just cannot stand it when that loser goes on about how great he is!"

"That's right. Much better to quietly stew in your arrogance until circumstance lets you lord your skills over someone."

"Exactly right!" Mai sweat dropped as Kaiba continued, his zeal allowing Mai's zinger to fly right over his head. "So I told him off, hoping to shut him up."

"What did you say?" she asked.

"I simply informed him that it didn't surprise me that his one outstanding talent was flipping burgers."

"Oh, for Chrissake, Kaiba!" Mai shook her head with disapproval. "Do you have to get on him for every little thing?"

"Only when he needs to be put in his place."

"God, you're disgusting," Mai said, examining the contents of a bowl laid next to the meat. "So how does this little spat amount to you in this kitchen battling a piece of steak?"

"If you must know, Wheeler and I got in a bit of an argument, at the end of which I was provoked into providing a high-class cut of meat for this dweeb fest."

"So he called your bluff?"

Kaiba harrumphed and twitched slightly.

Mai sighed into a smile. "Couldn't just leave well enough alone, could you buddy?"

"Don't call me that!" Kaiba's nerves were worn incredibly thin.

"Doesn't seem like you have much right to be demanding anything of anyone, bud, you've got yourself in a _mess_," Mai responded, crossing her arms on the counter as she leaned over to read an open cookbook page. "'Onion and Mushroom Stuffed Steak'?" she read aloud. "Kaiba, that's an old French recipe, it's not kiddie stuff!"

"I'm well aware," Kaiba snapped. "And as you can probably see, I'm no chef. I've had people preparing my food since I was ten. And raw meat…" he trailed off. "Well, raw meat and I don't exactly mix well."

Mai straightened and grinned at him. "Well, I guess that's as much humility as I'm likely to wrangle out of you tonight. Here, hand me that knife."

Kaiba's eyes widened. "What?"

Mai washed her hands and dried them on the only dishtowel Kaiba hadn't stained in marinade. "I _said_ hand me that knife. We've got about twenty minutes before I've got to leave with Mokuba, and getting these poor steaks assembled's not gonna be easy."

He handed her the knife but continued to look at her in disbelief. "You…"

"Live in France for a while, you pick up a few things," she shrugged. "And much as you deserve to go down in flames, it wouldn't be much fun for poor Mokuba if he had to listen to Joey mock your bad meat the whole barbeque."

As she talked, she expertly sliced and scored the steak, leaving a thin pocket in the meat which opened up in five even slashes across the top. Under Kaiba's disbelieving gaze, she cut the other six steaks in like fashion. As she ran the blade through the red meat, the squishing sounds and splatters of juice were enough to disquiet Kaiba's stomach.

"Oh God," he mumbled, lurching forward with his hands over his mouth.

Mai laughed as she ran the knife under some clean water. "You know, buddy, there's nothing sinister about the juice coming out of the meat. It's just flavor. Just marinade and juice, that's all."

"Blondie, juice comes from oranges and apples and, in rare instances, tomatoes. Juice does not come from cows," Kaiba explained as he rode out his nausea.

"Then what do you call milk?" Mai quipped, smiling at the CEO as she took up the bowl she'd been looking at earlier. She frowned as she stared at its murky contents. "And what do you call this?" she asked, holding it up.

"What's that, honestly Blondie, aren't you supposed to be the chef here? That's the stuffing," Kaiba explained as he regained control of his digestive acids.

"This…is…the stuffing…" she repeated, poking the mixture with a spoon. "Kaiba, I…I don't know where to begin."

"Oh come on, what's wrong with that? It's done exactly like in the freaking book!" He walked over, glaring.

"Kaiba, it's _frothing_."

"Just a few air bubbles," he said angrily, yanking the bowl out of her grasp in time for a wave of bubbling stuffing to spill over on his hands.

"OH, MOTHER--" Kaiba screamed, shoving the bowl back at Mai. She hastily flung it to the counter before the horrifying mixture touched her beautiful manicure.

"Good God, what on earth happened there?" Mai wrinkled her brow and looked at the carnage surrounding the bowl. Looking from the cookbook back to the counter, she discovered the terrible events that eventually led to Kaiba's stuffing. "Kaiba, did you use red onion? This recipe calls for scallions--that's green onions, bud--red would be way, way too acidic. And is that cup coated with vinegar? You used a cup of vinegar? It's supposed to be a tablespoon! And…yes, I'm pretty sure you used baking soda instead of salt."

"Honest mistakes!" Kaiba roared angrily from the sink, where he was vigorously scrubbing the errant stuffing from his hands.

"I'm kind of shocked that it's not eating through the _bowl, _bud." Mai poked the rancid food away with the tip of a French nail, then cleaned the cutting board with her knife and sighed deeply. "Go grab me some green onions. They're the long onions with a green color."

"Don't condescend to me, Blondie, I know an onion when I see one!" Kaiba huffed off to the fridge and handed Mai a bundle of vegetables.

"I'm not saying you don't, Kaiba," Mai said slowly, taking the green veggies from Kaiba and setting them aside. "But you did just hand me a bunch of asparagus."

Mai's laughter nearly drowned out Kaiba's strangled cry as he collapsed onto a nearby chair. He held his head in his hands and sank deep into despair, even as Mai whirled around the kitchen, giggling sporadically while she cooked.

And so, despite the day's bleak start, within fifteen minutes there lay in an expensive glass dish seven beautiful steaks, each stuffed with an aromatic mixture of scallions, mushrooms, and garlic.

"I set them in with some rosemary and olive oil just to give the marinade a little kick," Mai told Kaiba, coaxing him out of his frustrated pouting. "It won't taste so store-bought now." She covered the dish with aluminum foil. "Oh, look at the time," she gasped, gesturing at the microwave's glaring LED. "I'd better go get Mokuba, or we're going to be late."

Kaiba picked up the dish and began to walk out with her. "I'll carry these to the car for you."

"Why thank you. That's quite chivalrous, bud," Mai said. "Mokuba?" She called out, tapping her foot. "Come on, we're gonna be late!"

"Blondie," Kaiba said.

"What now, Kaiba?" Mai asked, gathering her purse from where she'd left it at the kitchen's entrance.

"You realize that what you've done hasn't saved me anything. Wheeler's still going to rip me a new one once he finds out you've done everything for me."

Mai smirked. "Now Kaiba, how's he gonna know?"

Kaiba blinked at her. "You're not going to tell him?"

"Hey, I'm being nice, not stupid," Mai told him. "Much as I love Joey, I'd rather not deal with his ego skyrocketing. And if he finds out you can't cook, then he'll be off to the races."

After she explained herself, she walked up very close to him, narrowing her eyes and smiling seductively. "Of course, if you'd like to secure my silence…" she trailed off, fingering light circles around his chest.

The sudden change of mood took Kaiba by surprise, and he braced himself as he stuttered out, "Y…yes…?"

Mai looked up at him with sparkling eyes and opened her lipstick-red mouth. At once, she grinned, her eyes opening wide as she said innocently, "Those truffles in your fridge looked absolutely delicious."

Kaiba inhaled sharply and lightly shoved her away from him as she laughed heartily. "You are a hateful person, Blondie," he said sharply as he roughly grabbed the box chocolates from the fridge and threw them at her.

Mai caught the truffles smoothly and giggled, tossing her hair as she walked from the kitchen towards the front entrance. "Love you too, bud," she said coyly, throwing a glance over her shoulder as she walked briskly out.

At the foyer, she saw Mokuba running down the stairs. "Hey, Mai!"

"Hey yourself, sweetie!" Mai greeted the youngest member of their group with a hi-five. "Ready to go?'

"Yup! All set for Joey's awesome burgers!" he said. He suddenly cast his dark blue eyes around nervously, then motioned for her to listen. She leaned down obligingly so he could whisper to her, "Seto's supposed to make something for the grill too, but between you and me, I don't think that went very well."

Mai's breathy laugh filled the entry hall. "Don't give up on your brother that easily, kiddo. He might just surprise you," she said as Kaiba entered the hall.

"Here, Mokuba" he said, handing his little brother the aluminum covered dish. "You be sure to tell Wheeler exactly these came from."

"Ok, Seto!" Mokuba said, tilting his head in confusion.

Mai rustled around in her purse for her car keys while Kaiba gave Mokuba a seemingly standard speech about how to behave at Yugi's.

"And lastly, don't hesitate to call them on their dweebishness, Mokuba, If at any point you feel pressured to give any speeches on friendship or the heart of the cards, you just call me and I'll come right over and deal with them."

Mai and Mokuba sweat dropped in tandem as Mokuba replied, "Sure thing, Seto."

"Good," Kaiba said, smiling at his brother before turning back to Mai. "It's to be understood that you will drive him there safely? If anything happens to him en route to this soiree, you or your estate along with everyone you've ever loved will suffer the consequences."

"Understood, sir," Mai deadpanned. She placed a hand on Mokuba's shoulder and the two turned to go. She turned at a tap on her shoulder.

"Thanks, Iron Chef Valentine," Kaiba said reluctantly. He smirked after he finished summoning up that hard won gratitude. "I trust one of you will bring back the news of whose cuisine reigns supreme?"

"Chairman Kaiba, it would be my honor," Mai said, bowing dramatically.

"…what?" Mokuba stood outside the door, wondering what could possibly have happened between the two of them while he was getting ready.

Mai turned and giggled as Kaiba sighed and turned back into the house. After the doors closed, he heard Mai and Mokuba jumping into her convertible. As the engine revved, she let out a hearty, "Allez cuisine!" and the two drove off towards an epic battle of meat.

As for Kaiba, he settled down with a glass of water and a plate of celery sticks. "I think I'm ready for a nice, long bout of vegetarianism," he said, turning on the TV to vegetate.

"Allez cuisine!" Chairman Kaga cried as he lifted a large cloth to reveal that episode's secret ingredient…alligator.

Groaning, Kaiba gave up, turned off the Iron Chef marathon and headed to bed. That, he decided, was definitely enough for one day.

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AN: Well, I'd like to admit to my readers (if I turn out to have any) that I have absolutely no idea where that came from. I've always thought Mai and Kaiba would have an interesting relationship if they were ever forced to interact ever (sadly the people in charge of these things don't seem to be on my wavelength). I just never thought I'd explore this relationship through the medium of Iron Chef. I hope you enjoyed it despite it's weirdness!


End file.
